Claymore goes random
by MisterJB
Summary: This is a collection of humorous oneshots written by me and a friend. Don't expect intelligent humour. This is us being silly
1. Chapter 1

Clarice: So, let me get this straight, inside that castle are, rigth now, Easley, Riful, the fusion of Luciela and Raphaela and Priscilla, the 4 most powerful Awakeneds of all time and we 6 are going to attack them?

Deneve: Pretty much, yes.

Clarice: ... do we even have a plan?

Helen: Oh, i got one, i got one. We all go inside the castle, then we kill all four Awakeneds, we destroy everything, we go to Rabona and you guys pay me lots of beer and apples. What do you think?

Deneve: ...

Clare: It's a good plan. It's straightforward and easy to memorize.

Deneve: ...

Miria: We are so going to die!

Galatea: How did I ended with you five?

Deneve: ...


	2. It's not what you think

Miria: Are you sure you are ready for this?

Tabitha: Yes, captain Miria.

Miria: If you want, it can wait a little longer...

Tabitha: No, I'm ready. I'm just a little nervous. It's my first time.

Miria: I know, I know. Don't' worry. It's very normal to be nervous on the first time. Yuma and Cynthia were nervous too.

Tabitha: Will it hurt?

Miria: Maybe it will hurt a little and it will bleed for some moments but don't worry. I am very experienced.

Tabitha: Are you sure the bleeding will stop?

Miria: Don't worry. It always stop.

Tabitha: Ok. What should I do?

Miria: Just lay down. It will be easier for me to pull that broken tooth off that way.


	3. Christmas in the North

Miria: Ok, let's see what the girls want this year for Christmas.

Miria: Clare wants…Priscilla's head and a certain boy. Yeah, keep dreaming Clare, at least it's free.

Miria: Helen wants… 100 apples. How the heck I'm supposed to find 100 apples in the North? If I can find a single one she is lucky.

Miria: Deneve wants… lotion for her hair. But she has barely any at all.

Miria: Cynthia wants…a vi…Ok, I'm not reading this!

Mira: Yuma wants… peace in the world. This girl has a mental problem for sure.

Miria: And Tabitha wants…my UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!  
That's it, there won't be any gifts for anyone this year!


	4. Yuma's birthday part 1

Helen: Miria, tell me again why we are hiding from Yuma in the dungeons. I know the girl can be a little annoying but…

Miria: No Helen, do you know what day is tomorrow?

Deneve: Wednesday.

Miria: No, not that.

Clare: 22 of October.

Miria: … are you doing it on purpose?

Tabitha: Just tell us captain Miria.

Miria: Ok, tomorrow it's Yuma's birthday!

Cynthia: What?

Deneve: Seriously?

Clare: Are you sure?

Helen: How do you know that?

Miria: I found it in some files in the Organization.

Tabitha: And after these years you still remember it? That's my captain.

Miria: Ok, thank you Tabitha, but now please let go of my shoe.

Tabitha: Ok, sorry.

Helen: Why didn't we celebrated any birthday in those seven years?

Miria: The North is not a good place for partys.

Cynthia: I don't even remember my own birthday.

Miria: 11 of May. It had a file for each warrior.

Helen: Cool, what about me?

Miria: 12 of March.

Tabitha: What about you, Miria.

Miria: 25 of December

Deneve: …

Clare: …

Cynthia: …

Clare: Seriously?

Miria: Yes. Why?

Clare: Don't know. It doesn't seem right.

Helen: So, how many years old are you?

Miria: … that doesn't matter. The important thing is to plan a party for Yuma


	5. Yuma's birthday part 2

This one was done by Midori-chan89. Please, give her some reviews

Yuma: where did everyone go?

Cynthia: Yuma! Yuuumaaaa!

Yuma: what is it? Do you know where everyone is?

Cynthia: they're preparing for the pa…

Yuma: pa..?

Cynthia: eeehh, never mind that…

Yuma: Cynthia… what's going on? Where are Clare and the others?

Cynthia: Hehe, 'Clare' and the others are busy.

Yuma: with what?

Cynthia: with the pa…

Yuma: you keep saying pa.. and stop, what's going on?

Cynthia: well… erm… you see…

Yuma: Cynthia!

Cynthia: fine, fine, Miria said that there is a yoma close by and that you and I should take a look around

Yuma: what? But I don't sense anything.

Cynthia: the yoma is pretty far, so Tabatha sensed it and found it's location.

Yuma: first you said that the yoma was near by, and now you're saying that it's pretty far?

Cynthia: what?! Yuma let's not waste more time, there is a yoma to hunt!

Deneve: do you think it was a good idea to send Cynthia to occupy Yuma?

Miria: we don't have any other choice.

Clare: will she keep her mouth shut?

Deneve: unlikely.

Miria:….


	6. Yuma's birthday part 3

Yuma's birthday  
3 chapter

Miria: Now that Cynthia is distracting Yuma, we can decide about the party. I and Tabitha will choose the food. Helen and Deneve, you go invite our friends for the party.

Tabitha: It will be an honour for me, my captain.

Miria: Tabitha…please…my shoe…

Tabitha: Sorry. It's getting less frequent.

Helen: You know, Deneve? I think Tabitha has some problems with Miria.

Deneve: You think? Where did you get that idea from?

Miria: …would you two please just go?

Helen: Ok.

Clare: Wait a minute, Helen. What about me, Miria?

Miria:… you?

Clare: Yes. What will I do?

Miria:…

Helen: You go kill Priscilla!

Clare: YES!

Miria: Come back here immediately, Clare! Helen was just kidding.

Clare: … you fooled me, Helen.

Miria: Ok, Clare. I've decided. You will make the cake for the party.

Clare:… are you sure?

Miria: Yes. I trust you!

Helen: This should be interesting.

Miria: Please, Helen. Just go.


	7. Yuma's birthday part 4

This one was done by Midori-chan89. Please, give her some reviews

Helen: Deneve! let's hurry, we've got a long list of people to invite!

Deneve: We don't even know anyone...

Helen: what? we know a lot of people, you'll see.

*next to the church*

Helen: Sister Latea!

Galatea: what do you want?

Helen: you're invited to Yuma's birthday party in the dungeon at sunset, even Father Vincent and the monks are invited too!

Galatea: But monks don't go to parties...

Helen: yeah, even noob 47 and her kid are invited too!

Galatea: didn't you...

Helen: This party will be awesome! there will be beer and music, you're gonna love it!

Galatea: monks don't dri...

Helen: heehee! I'm looking forward to this party!

Galatea: ....

Deneve: don't waste your breath, she's not listening.

*at the bar*

Helen: Oi guys!

Cid: oh, it's Helen!

Helen: Listen to me everyone! you're all invited to a party in the dungeon at sunset, you hear me? oh and don't forget the BEER!! we'll drink until we pass out!

Galk: Sure, we'll be there at sunset.

Helen: don't forget the beer!

Cid: don't worry, we won't.

Helen: but, what if...

Deneve: Helen shut up! you're wasting our time! *drags Helen out of the bar*

Deneve: let's get back to Miria, we're done with the invitations.

Helen: no we're not! there is still someone.

Deneve: and who might that be?

Helen: look! he's over there.

deneve: give me a break. *follows Helen to where the man is*

Man: good day Miss Helen.

Helen: good day to you too; say, do you have more of the apples you showed me yesterday?

Man: yes I do, would you like to try them?

Helen: yeah, sure!

Deneve: Helen! *mad*

Helen: aaaah, I almost forgot why we're here!

Man: ???

Helen: you're invited to Yuma's birthday party at the dungeon tonight.

Man: i'll be sure to come.

Helen: and don't forget the apples!

Man: I won't, don't worry.

Helen: good, good, because if you forgot them I...

Deneve: Helen! shut up and lets get back to Miria!

Helen:ahh, sure...sure...


	8. Yuma's birthday part 5

Clare was a fighter, a real fighter. She had killed the number 4 Ophelia, defeated the former number 3 Dauf and killed the former number 2, Rigardo. But now, she would face her greatest challenge, she wasn't sure if she was going to survive.  
She had to make a cake for Yuma's birthday party.

Clare: C'mon Clare, don't panic. Don't panic. If you could kill Rigardo, you can make a cake. Ok, first of all, what is a cake?

Clare: …

Clare: I should ask Miria. Wait, no. Miria trusted me; I have to do it alone.

Clare: …

Clare: Screw that. I will ask Galatea.

Clare: Hmmm, what would have happened if I hadn't killed Rigardo and then I find Raki? Yay, threesome.

Clare leaves the kitchen with dirty thoughts on her head.

**

Raki: My Raki-sense is telling me that someone is talking about me.

Priscilla: Shut up and keep licking.

Raki: Fine…

Raki sighed and kept on licking his ice-cream. Priscilla was right, it was really good.  
(I don't know if they have ice-cream in the Claymore world, let's just suppose they do, ok?)

**

Clare: GALATEA!

Galatea: What do you want, Clare?

Clare: GALATEA!

Galatea: Clare, I'm right here…

Clare: GALATEA!

Galatea: And they say I'm the blind one. CLARE, I'M RIGTH HERE!

Clare: Oh, Galatea. There you are.

Galatea: …what do you want?

Clare: We are going to throw a party for Yuma's birthday…

Galatea: Yeah, I know. Deneve and Helen told me.

Clare: Cool. And I'm the one supposed to do the cake before we start getting wasted. I have a question: what is a cake?

Galatea:… You don't know?

Clare: I was kidnapped by a Yoma when I was a little kid. I don't remember my parents and believe me; the Yoma never celebrated my birthday.

Galatea: Oh, I'm sorry for that.

Clare: Screw my parents; I ended up living with Teresa. Anyway, what is a cake?

Galatea:_ This bitch is cold _A cake is something that you eat and you put candles on it.

Clare: Yeah, great. Would you help me make one?

Galatea: What, no! I could I make the cake if I'm blind?

Clare: You can fell the Yoki of the ingredients.

Galatea: …

Galatea: …

Galatea: …You know, I fought with Dauf but that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Clare: Why?

Galatea: Ingredients don't have Yoki.

"Clare: Yes, they do.

Galatea: No, they don't.

Clare: Yes, they do!

Galatea: No, they don't!

Clare: Prove it!

Galatea: What? Well, I've never felt the Yoki of an ingredient.

Clare: That is because you are not good at sensing Yoki.

Galatea: …please Clare, just go away.

Clare: Ok, ok. I will ask noob47 and her little brat if they can help me.

Galatea: Clarice and Miata?

Clare: No, Rimuto and Dietrich. Of course it's Clarice and Miata.


	9. The puppy who destroyed Rabona

"I still can't believe we are trying one of your plans, Helen." said a depressed Miria who was looking at the ground while walking.

"Don't worry. It will work" said a cheerful Helen that was carrying something on a bag

"Explain it again." said Clare

"Well, Raphaela told us that Luciela's Awakened form is cat-like so we are going to use that against her."

"We are going to soak her?" asked Deneve who seemed to be carrying someone on her shoulder.

"No, I have a far deadlier weapon." laughed Helen, shaking the bag on her hand.

"I have a question." said Yuma, raising a finger in the air like a child in the school.

"Why are we bringing Clarice along?" Yuma pointed to Deneve who was carrying Clarice on her shoulder.

"…we are gonna die we are gonna die we are gonna we are gonna die we are gonna die…" said the terrified brunette over and over again. She was wither that milk and it seemed that she could start weeping at any minute.

"Galatea forced her to come with us. She said that noob 47 needed to gain some courage." explained Clare.

"And I can see why. If you pee on my shoulder I'll kill you, Clarice!" shouted Deneve who was the only one willing to carry Clarice' limp body to the South.

They walked for several hours until they found her.

Luciela towered over them in all of her Awakened glory. The Ghosts and the ground trembled before her Yoki.

Also, by some reason, Isley was also there. He seemed to be curious about what the girls were trying to do.

"Helen, the secret weapon." whispered a petrified Miria "Helen use it now!"

"Oh right." Remembered Helen "Abyssal of the South, Luciela…"

"No speeches!"

"Geez, you girls are no fun. Anyway, take a look at this, you Abyssal Freak!"

Helen opened the bag dramatically and from it she took…a cute little puppy.

At that moment, several things happened.

Clarice escaped from Deneve's grip and was now trying to crawl away from Luciela. Clare and Deneve were forced to use all of their Yoma power to stop Cynthia, Tabitha and Yuma from cuddling the puppy. Miria felt like killing Helen for having that stupid idea and herself for believing in Helen.

However, Luciela simply stared at the puppy and the puppy stared back.

One second passed.

Two seconds…

Three…

Suddenly Luciela hissed, all the fur on her body bristled and she started running away, accidently running over Isley. The puppy released itself from Helen's arms and chased the Abyssal of the South, barking while doing and stepping over the Abyssal of the North. Isley was trying to get up when he was ran over again, this time by Cynthia, Tabitha and Yuma who were trying to catch the dog to cuddle it.

Miria, Clare, Helen and Deneve simply stood there for moments, trying to understand what had just happened.

"Did we just saw an Abyssal One running because of a puppy?" asked a disbelieving Deneve.

"I think so…" said Clare.

"I knew it! I knew my plan would work!" Helen laughed and raised fist dramatically "I'm the greatest strategist this Continent ever has ever known!"

"I think some of my brain cells just died…" whispered Miria, looking to the horizon.

"Hey, isn't Luciela going in the direction of Rabona?" noticed Deneve, pointing to where they had disappeared.

"No, I don't think so…" Helen started saying before she was interrupted by a big _CRASH _and once again the ground trembled together with them.

Miria slammed her face in the palm f her hand.

"Oh, shit…" said Helen.

"And that's it." said Clare "Galatea is going to murder Helen!"


	10. The puppy who destroyed Rabona part 2

"And that's it." said Clare "Galatea is going to murder Helen!"

"What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…" repeated the future murder victim Helen, while rubbing her head.

"Yes, that's it." snarled Deneve "Just keep rubbing your head. That will turn back time."

Helen's eyes travelled along the entire field around them, probably looking for a rock to hide under when she finally saw the laying form of Isley who seemed to be still recuperating of being ran over three times. "Oh I got it."

With hope on her heart and a look on her eyes that said "I'm a freaking genius who just had a freaking good plan who is not only going to save me but…ok the plan will only save me but it's good anyway" _(yes you can say all of that in just one look) _Helen approached the cloaked Abyssal and went on one knee.

"So, Isley, how would you like to be my bodyguard?" she asked with the cutest smile possible

Isley was still knocked out and seemed to have no idea of what was happening around him so the only thing he could stammer was:

"Bleeexhisssss…"

Helen smiled "I'm gonna take that as a yes."

"Blurghhhh…"

"You can't be thinking of bringing him with us!" reprimanded Miria, using her "commander's voice". Sadly, it seemed that "commander's voice" had no effect whatsoever in Helen and the younger Claymore had already grabbed Isley's legs and was dragging him in the direction of Rabona.

Helen was being followed closely by Clare who was trying to make Isley say where Priscilla was, getting nothing but "blleesxhis" and "blurghs" as answers.

"I'm just gonna give up trying." lamented Miria, lowering her head in defeat

"Hey, where is Clarice?" asked Deneve.

"She is hiding behind that rock." answered Miria, pointing to a grey figure who was pathetically trying to hide itself behind a rock that was only big enough to cover her head.

And once again, it was left to Deneve to carry Clarice's limp body. And this time, she had to bring the rock along.

* *

In Miria's eyes, Rabona now resembled Pieta a lot. There were building destroyed, wounded people everywhere, one of the armoured soldiers was lying on the ground, hugging his own knees and repeating:

"…bad kitty… bad kitty… bad kitty… bad kitty… bad kitty… bad kitty… bad kitty… bad kitty…"

"_Note to self, never try one of Helen's plans again. ESPECIALLY...if it involves Abyssal Ones."_

"Okkkk…" said Helen, gazing at the destruction "I'm going back to the North."

And she would have gone if it wasn't for Clare grabbing her.

"There is an immense Yoki here. Probably Luciela." said Deneve "And she is nearing us."

Several minutes passed. Clare was using a large portion of her Yoma power to force Helen still. Miria was looking around, trying to see the Awakened form of Luciela but ultimately failing and Isley was finally gaining full use of his mental abilities, even tough after being dragged by Helen, they were severely diminished, and was trying to figure out just how the heck had he got and which human to eat first.

Suddenly, the source of the immense Yoki appeared and it became clear to everyone that it wasn't Luciela.

It was Galatea.

And once again, at that moment, several things happened. Clarice, seeing the look on Galatea's face, forgot the fear of Luciela and gained a new one. She was now running around the ruins, screaming:

"MIATA!!!"

Clare and Deneve sat on two rocks, eager to enjoy the show. Miria raised her shoulders before joining them, thinking that it would be a good lesson for Helen. Of course, that would be if she survived.

Helen petrified for a moment before grabbing Isley by the arm. "Hello Galatea…it's a beautiful day isn't it?" she turned to Isley "C'mon Isley, turn into centaur."

Isley looked at Galatea from tip to toe more than one time before a naughty smile appeared on his face and a look that said "Hey baby I'm an Abyssal One" appeared on his face "Niiiiiice! How you doing?"

"Hey." shouted Helen slapping him on the head "You are supposed to defend me."

"Who, me? No way."

Galatea smiled "Well, Isley, if you don't mind, could you please get out of the way so that I can cut one or two of Helen's member?"

"Sure go ahead."

"You treacherous bastard!" yelled Helen who was following Clarice's example and looked for something large enough to cover her.

"Now, where is Luciela?" asked Isley to none in particular.

"Right there." answered Galatea, pointing to behind the Abyssal of the North before turning to the task in hands. Clare thought it was quite surprising and funny seeing a blind nun chasing Helen.

"Whe…" Isley started saying before being interrupted by the painful contact of Luciela's feet with his noise. With purple blood pouring from it, Isley regained balance only to see the puppy running on his direction, still chasing Luciela.

"Oh, I'm sick of this dog." roared Isley. He turned his left arm into his famous longbow and, with a single and precise shot; he blew up the puppy in thousand pieces to Cynthia, Tabitha and Yuma's dismay who were still running after it.

And that's how Miria found herself trying to comfort those three girls, who had ran to her, crying the death of the puppy.

"He killed…he killed…he killed…bwahhh…" said Cynthia.

"He is meannnnnnnnn!" cried Yuma.

"It was so cute, so flurry, so…" shouted Tabitha who was hugging Miria's leg.

"There, there. Tabitha, let go of my shoe!"

"What the problem with those three?" asked a perplex Isley, watching the scene.

"Your Awakened Beings hit them pretty hard in Pieta and they ended up like this." answered Clare

"We call that brain death. Helen is half way there." added Deneve.

Suddenly, something hit Isley's leg and he was forced into the ground. He created another arrow but stopped when he saw that was Luciela who had reverted to human form. The Abyssal of the South was strangely calm, hugging Isley's legs and snuggling up to him. On face was a wide-eyed innocent expression.

"I _wove_ you." she said to Isley, purring while doing it.

"What the hell?" was the harsh answer.

"Ohhhhh, I think she likes you." melted Cynthia who apparently, had forgotten about the puppy rapidly "She is so cute!"

Cynthia patted Luciela's who moved her neck to be more comfortable. Miria, seeing this, quickly approached them, dragging Tabitha along who refused to let go of her shoe.

"Ok, I think that seeing that puppy awakened Luciela's feline instincts."

"What?" yelled Isley "How could this happen?"

"I don't know. The plot is on crack, follow it!"

"And why does she like Isley?" asked Clare.

"Because he killed the puppy."

Silence felled and each one of them used it to try to understand exactly what was happening and how stupid that was.

"So, we are stuck with a kitty Luciela." said Isley "What do we do?"

"Maybe we should give her some milk" suggested Helen who seemed to have escaped from Galatea.

On that day, Helen found out that having an organic arrow stabbing your knee hurts like hell.


End file.
